


consequences that i've rendered

by NerdsbianHokie



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, F/F, Post-Break Up, Suicide Attempt, a lesbian dies, but for non-canonical reasons, look y'all it's really fucking sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 07:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19865881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie
Summary: And now I’m going on this mission and we don’t know if we’ll even come back. We’re all writing these letters to loved ones in case the worst happen, and that’s the thing, I do love you.





	consequences that i've rendered

**Author's Note:**

> Final warning. it's fucking sad and there is a major character death.
> 
> The title and inspiration for the fic come from 'It's Been A While' by Staind
> 
> Big thanks to Aide (sandstoneSunspear) and G (Gwatson2304) for reading through and putting up with the angst, as if you fuckers don't come up with enough of your own

_ I'm sorry. _

_ ~ _

Alex laughed, loud and bright. “We are not watching  _ Sing  _ again.”

“Oh, come on, why not?” Kara asked.

“Because it’s a bad movie,” Alex said. “And I will not let you subject me to that again.”

Maggie stayed out of the conversation, instead watching Alex, watching the drink in her hand. If Maggie’s count was right

\- and she really couldn’t be sure, Alex had a way of sneaking around, of going unnoticed when she wanted -

It was Alex’s fourth drink of the night.

Perhaps not the most worrying, but Maggie knew Alex was far from even slowing down.

Alex glanced at her, smile quickly dropping as she clearly realized when Maggie was thinking about. She rolled her eyes as she turned back to Kara.

Maggie sighed. She didn’t want to fight again.

~

_ You probably don't want to hear that, especially not after all of this time, but it's true. _

~

“It’s not just about a couple of drinks!” Maggie could feel the tears start to rise as the argument grew.

“Then what’s it about?” Alex shot back. “Because I’m lost.”

“It’s five, six, seven drink a night, most nights of the week.”

Alex scoffed.

“It’s the changes in your moods, your temper.”

Alex turned away from her, shaking her head.

“It’s that I know you drink even more when I’m not around.”

Alex spun back around. “And how would you know that?”

“I know what alcohol smells like, and you haven’t exactly done the best job of hiding the empty bottles.” 

~

_ I'm sorry, for how I acted, for how I treated you, for not listening. _

~

It was the same argument, again and again and again, for nearly a year and Alex really did not want to hear it.

She grabbed her coat, pulled it on.

“Where are you going?”

She didn’t look at Maggie. “Out. I don’t know if I’ll be back tonight.”

The closing door cut off Maggie’s protests.

~

_ You were right, of course you were right, it's my fault for taking this long to see that. _

~

The words froze Alex in place. “What?”

Maggie sucked in a trembling breath. Tears started to freely fall down her cheeks. “I can’t keep doing this. I love you, Alex, I really, really do, but I...I can’t stand by and watch you drink yourself to death and I can’t keep fighting with you about it.”

“I...I don’t…” Alex blinked, her breath caught in her throat as she stared at Maggie.

“If you decide to get better, you know how to reach me.”

And Maggie was gone, her engagement ring glinting on the table.

~

_ After you left, I wanted to hate you. _

~

Glass shattered against the floor.

Alex stared at the upside down frame.

Then she grabbed a bowl and threw it as well.

She took another deep swill from the bottle of scotch.

The tumbler she had been drinking from crashed against the wall.

Her phone.

The fruit plate on the table.

Bark beneath her fingers made her pause, consider the bonsai in her hands, then it slammed against the wall as well, the ceramic pot fracturing.

~

_ I believed that you thought I wasn't good enough, that you had decided you didn't need me hanging around and holding you back. _

~

Maggie sunk into the arms wrapped around her, sobs shaking her body. Soft fingers brushed through her hair, not once showing the strength behind them.

Eventually, the sobs slowed, the occasional hiccough coming through.

“I just didn’t know what else to do,” she rasped. “It was the same argument again and again and I just...I can’t keep doing it.”

“I know,” Kara whispered. “For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing.”

Maggie pulled back to stare at Kara. “What?”

“She’s hurting you, Maggie. She’s hurting all of us. Me, you, herself. You don’t have to keep letting her hurt you.”

~

_ (I know now how wrong I was, and I'm sorry for ever thinking that.) _

~

Warmth pressed against Alex’s back, hands sliding around her hips.

“Want something harder?”

Alex turned, eyed the woman.

Round face, long brown hair.

Green eyes though.

“Show me what you’ve got.”

The woman laughed. The woman led her to a back room. The woman demonstrated on herself first. The woman was amazed at Alex’s ability to find her own vein so fast and push the needle in without flinching.

~

_ After you left, I went off the deep end. I won't tell you how far I fell, but fall I did. _

~

A slip.

Alex giggled as she righted herself, as gravel slid over the edge of the bridge. She leaned over to watch the gravel fall to the bay below.

She kicked more over.

How easy to be rock falling through air.

She leaned back, looked up at the sky.

How easy to be a twinkling star.

Fuck, she forgot how stupid her brain got while high.

A speck appeared in the sky, crossing in front of the lights of CatCo, getting closer, closer.

Alex leaned forward, trying to get a better look.

How easy to fall.

~

_ Kara saved me. She didn't give me a choice after that. _

~

“I’m fine.”

“No.”

Alex blinked, stared at Kara at the end of the hospital bed.

“You almost died.” There were no tears. Kara’s body shivered with fear and anger. “You were drunk and you were high, and you nearly took your own life.”

“I fell.”

“Bullshit! You were on that bridge for a reason, whether because you actively want to die or because you just don’t care if you do or not.”

“Kara…”

“No, Alex.” Kara shook her head, wrapped her arms around herself. “We’ve all tried so hard to help you, but you don’t want help. You’ve fought us at every turn and you almost died because of it.”

Alex stared at her lap, toyed with the IV snaking from her hand.

“I’ll see you in a few days. I’ll be here to pick you up when you’re discharged.”

~

_ I'm not proud of what it took for me to simply realize that I am an alcoholic, that my drinking was ruining my life, had ruined my life. _

~

The counselors words washed over Alex, unheard and unheeded. Her mind was elsewhere, linking dots the man didn’t even know existed.

“You know,” she cut over him. “I was kidnapped about two years back.”

His voice jolted to a stop.

Alex kept staring at the window in his office.

“I work with Supergirl, pretty closely, and someone who wanted to get to her, abducted me, almost killed me, to try and get her to do what he wanted.” She let out a dark laugh. “After, all I wanted to do was forget it happened.”

~

_ I am proud, however, of how far I've come since. _

~

“I thought I was picking you up.”

Alex didn’t move at Kara’s words, at the window being slid shut.

“Alex?”

She took a deep breath, body shuddering on the exhale. Her hand tensed around the engagement ring and twenty-four hour chip she held.

The couch dipped next to her, Kara’s hand settling on her shoulder. The contact finally pulled the first sob from Alex.

~

_ You told me that if I figured it out, if I decided to get better, to find you, but I couldn’t. _

~

Alex stared at herself in the mirror. Her fingers tapped her new chip on the edge of the sink in a nervous tick.

Two months.

That was the timeline she had given herself.

Two months sober and she would talk to Maggie.

But, what if she slipped? What if it didn’t last?

Was two months really enough to show Maggie she was getting better?

She curled her fingers around the chip.

Six months.

That would be enough.

~

_ At some point, I realized that I really am not good enough for you, but that it’s my fault, not yours. _

~

Maggie sighed, finished her coffee. “I’m happy, so happy, that she’s getting better, but the ball is in her court.”

Kara huffed. “She’s scared.”

“Look, if she comes to me, if she wants to talk, I’ll be more than happy to, but she needs to come to me, I can’t go to her.”

They fell into silence, Kara picking at her sticky bun.

“Maggie?” she asked after a few minutes, her voice soft and uncertain.

“Hmm?”

“Do you still love her?”

“Yeah. I do.”

~

_ My goal became to prove to myself that I was good enough, but I never felt like that happened. _

~

Alex knew what Kara was going to ask before she asked it.

“Are you going to talk to Maggie?”

Alex tensed. Her six month chip burning a hole in her wallet.

“Soon,” she replied. “I’m not ready yet.”

“She’d be happy to see you.”

Alex scoffed. Maggie probably never wanted to see her again.

~

_ And now I’m going on this mission and we don’t know if we’ll even come back. _

~

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Alex looked up from the paperwork. J’onn was leaning against the doorframe of her office.

“Of course,” she said, looking back down.

“You know the risk.”

“All missions have risk.”

He sat in the chair across her desk.

“Not this much. I’m almost tempted to call it a suicide mission.”

Alex winced at the word. “We need the best for this. That’s me and you know it.”

He nodded. “I do. But you understand why I’m worried about you joining this team.”

Alex closed her eyes, dropped her head. She looked back up a moment later. “I do. I’ve thought about this a lot, J’onn. It’s vital that this mission goes as well as it can, that means the best agents need to be on it.”

~

_ We’re all writing these letters to loved ones in case the worst happen, and that’s the thing, I do love you. _

~

Alex pressed a kiss to the paper, right over Maggie’s name. She folded the letter, tucked it into the envelope, then sealed it. She put it under the other three letters - her mother, Kara, J’onn - and stood.

She glanced around her office, closed her eyes for a moment, then walked out.

~

_ I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, and all I can hope is that if I do get out of this, you’ll still be willing to talk. _

~

Alex pressed a clean bandage to the wound on her arm. Her fingers shook as she taped it down.

If they could get medical attention, she would almost definitely be getting blood. Instead, all she could hope was that they would get long enough of a break for her to recover.

She watched herself in the mirror for a moment. Heavy bags under her eyes. A scabbed over cut up her jaw. Maggie's ring hanging from the chain around her neck.

She reached up, wrapped her fingers around the ring for a moment before sighing.

A hand on the wall for support, she left the bathroom, made her way through the safe house. The rest of the team was gathered in the kitchen, soft conversation flowing.

"Hey, Danvers!" Quint called as she approached. "Josie's got something for you."

Alex raised an eyebrow as she turned to the women. Quint stood, guided her to sure in his chair.

"I just…" Josie started, digging into her trouser pockets. "I've been whittling, y'know, to pass time, and ended up making this, cause, well, you're still going, right?"

Alex took the piece of wood offered to her. Small, round, the number eight carved on both sides. 

Tears welled in her eyes.

"I am. Thank you."

~

_ There should be a second envelope for you, to serve, I hope, as the proof that I did change, that I did get better. For you. _

~

Maggie wasn’t expecting J’onn when she looked through the peephole. She opened the door and her heart sank.

His looked like he was barely holding himself together.

"May I come in?"

His voice was rough, even more so than usual. He was holding two envelopes like they were there most precious things in the world.

~

_ I love you _

_ I’m sorry, _

_ Alex _

~

The letter fell from Maggie’s shaking fingers, tears falling to dot the paper. She glanced at the second envelope, pulled it towards her.

There was something other than paper inside, the weight settling in the corner.

She slid the flap open, tilted it so whatever was inside fell onto the table.

A sob ripped through her as the sobriety chips spilled out, her engagement ring glinting in the pile.

**Author's Note:**

> well  
> yeah  
> hope y'all liked
> 
> comments and kudos make each day significantly better  
> any flames or hate will be instantly blocked cause you had plenty of warning


End file.
